Cancer and Your Family

Dear Family Member, 

I know it seems like you were diagnosed too when your mother, father, husband, wife, sister, brother was diagnosed with cancer. I know how you felt the blow of it; how in that instant your whole world changed. How the very trajectory of your life was upended and sent spinning out of control. 

I know how the thoughts came roaring through your mind. How will I get by without her? … Who will pay the mortgage? … What about the wedding this summer? … Can I get a refund on the cruise? …

And with these emotions I know there is tension and big emotions that stop you in your tracks and make you feel like you’re walking through waist-deep jello. 

Of course I also know you’re motivated by what’s best for your loved one. I know you’ll sit by their side in the darkest, most painful moments and that you’ll tirelessly seek out the best medical interventions available. 

You’ll do all of this according to the capacity you have. 

But I also know that between you and your loved one, only one of you has been diagnosed with cancer. Only one of you is reckoning with the way their body is being taken over and how they now face a truth that lies way past the mortgage and the vacation tickets. Your loved one is working on the level of eternity. 

And if you want to help them, you must start by witnessing them. It’s the most important thing to let go of your own experience of playing the role of the spouse/sibling/parent/child and take all your attention and really see your loved one. Can you put yourself in their shoes and witness you witnessing them? When we can do this, we not only honor the experience of the person behind the cancer patient, but we also give ourselves the best chance of hearing that person and finding out what they really need. 

Often what they need and what you feel you need are not the same at all. 

And as the witness, we must allow the person to have as much agency and perceived control as possible. This alone allows them to let go of the pressure they may feel to waste precious attention on pleasing us. Above all, we must allow them to have their own experience without worrying about us. This is the only way the person behind the patient can find peace and even beauty in their journey. This peace leads to acceptance on the deepest level so they can maintain dignity and courage even as they face their own demise. 

But at the same time, we must also honor our experience. The trick is finding that balance. Finding that space where you are showing up for yourself, identifying and acknowledging your struggles, and finding the support you need, while also showing up for your loved one with gentle presence, empathy, and compassion. 

Most importantly, Family Member, you need to know that none of this is easy. 

Not for you, not for your loved one, and not for anyone else in their world. It’s all very confusing and overwhelming. It takes a certain skillset to manage it all. This set of skills can be developed in a matter of weeks and only requires about 15 minutes a day. And if you learn these skills from a guy like me, it won’t feel like work at all. We’re talking about simple mental exercises that train you to develop the basic skills of emotional intelligence. And if you commit to it, you really can become quite skilled within only a few weeks. 

But here’s the thing.   

The same balance between you and your loved one applies here, too. As you do these practices, you feel a sense of calm and self regulation.  You’ll find the ability to give space to your loved one with empathy and compassion. This will make the whole experience much easier for you. However, these benefits pale in comparison to what your loved one gets from the work you do on yourself. 

In summary, the best way to show compassion for your loved one is to show compassion for yourself. And I can show you how. 

Art Burns is Director of Alicia’s Angels, a 501(c)3 charity that delivers mindfulness based interventions to cancer patients, their family members, and caregivers. For more information, please visit aliciasangels.com.