Alicia's Angels

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  • How To Cultivate Emotional Well Being

    How to use what you already have to regulate your emotions and connect to your deeper self.

    All cancer patients will benefit from spiritual connection – but it doesn’t have to look like religion or any traditional philosphy. All you need is inside you already. Read on to learn more.

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    I posted this simple question on social media yesterday, and the answers surprised and caused me a little concern: 

    “What does everyone do for their emotional and spiritual health?’

    I got nearly 100 answers within hours. And all but two said it was all about prayer, God and Jesus. 

    Which is amazing, if you’re a religious person. But what if you’re not? 

    What if you grew up without any exposure to religion, or worse, you grew up with some kind of religion-based trauma? Does this mean you don’t get to develop emotional or spiritual well being without changing your belief systems and/or putting yourself through the pain of your trauma? 

    In a word, Heck No! 

    I am not saying religion isn’t helpful for some. As my brief anecdotal research shows, 98% of people – in a secular facebook group – turn to religion to help them through the darkest and most difficult experience of their lives. And, believe me, I am very happy for them! 

    But in order to understand how to develop non-faith based emotional and spiritual support for ourselves, it’s helpful to understand exactly why religion works so well for so many. When we connect with our understanding of God, we are connecting with something much bigger than ourselves. This connection to something bigger than ourselves has been well known in psychology for decades. And the reason is illustrated in all the world’s religions and philosophies. 

    The understanding of Western religions and Eastern philosophies is that the self – what we call the Ego – is a separate, differentiated identity. And when we dwell entirely in the ego, we feel alone and separate from everything. This separation leads to fear. Fear then causes tension in the body and serves up all the scary thoughts and images of how bad everything is. This gets us caught in a feedback loop that can last a lifetime. 

    But all these religions, in their own way, tell us there is another form of the self – a deeper form that is interconnected to all the consciousness of the entire universe. 

    In Hinduism and Buddhism, they call it Atman. The unchanging self. In Christianity, it would involve The Holy Spirit. Regardless of what we call it, it is this deeper, connected self that, unlike the ego, is never alone – never disconnected from the whole of humanity. 

    And when we dwell in the consciousness of this deeper, connected self, we feel the opposite of fear. We feel love. 

    The best part? We can connect to this deeper self any time, any where. It doesn’t require belief or religious fundamentals. Because this deeper self has always been inside you. And inside me. And inside everyone who’s ever lived. 

    I like to explain it like this: 

    Right now, think about the voice inside your mind. That narrating, commenting voice we all have in us. (It doesn’t have to feel like a ‘voice’, per se. You can think of it simply as your conscious awareness.) 

    Now, go back to your earliest memory and see if you can recognize the way this voice, this consciousness has always been there. Of course, you’ve grown, matured, and learned a great deal since that earliest memory. It would be absurd to think you see everything exactly the way you did when you were four years old. 

    Yet, the foundation of that consciousness has always been there, and some aspect of it has never changed.

    Another way you can understand it is that there is a part of your consciousness that can observe your ego.You can try this right now. Just see if you can observe yourself sitting where you are right now. Notice your body is breathing without any effort. After some practice, you can even observe yourself thinking. 

    Another way is to describe your experience this way: Instead of thinning “I am hungry” or “I am angry,” we can say “My body is experiencing ______ right now.” This is what psychologists call disidentification and doing so creates this observer’s perspective. So that we disidentify, for at least a little time, from the Ego – the “I” in all our experiences. 

    It takes a bit of practice, but anyone can do it. And when we do, the part of us who is observing IS the deeper, connected self I’m talking about. 

    This is true for everyone. 

    And it is this deeper self we connect to when we quiet the mind and focus our attention inward. 

    Most people call it meditation. Some refer to it as Yoga, though it’s not simply the downward dog pose and the like. It is, rather, a deeper looking inward. And this looking can only happen from the state of quiet in the mind – from a state that is free from all the thoughts that rush through our minds all day – the doctors appointments, the price of gas, even thoughts about your cancer.

    The best part? 

    Doing this only requires about 15 minutes a day, and anyone can do it, anywhere, anytime. 

    When you’re ready to get started, go here to find our FREE guided sessions. 

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  • Cancer and Your Family

    Your family’s support is essential to your mental well-being.

    You are dealing with a lot during your cancer treatments, both physically and mentally. How can you best manage your family relationships during your cancer journey?

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    Dear Family Member, 

    I know it seems like you were diagnosed too when your mother, father, husband, wife, sister, brother was diagnosed with cancer. I know how you felt the blow of it; how in that instant your whole world changed. How the very trajectory of your life was upended and sent spinning out of control. 

    I know how the thoughts came roaring through your mind. How will I get by without her? … Who will pay the mortgage? … What about the wedding this summer? … Can I get a refund on the cruise? …

    And with these emotions I know there is tension and big emotions that stop you in your tracks and make you feel like you’re walking through waist-deep jello. 

    Of course I also know you’re motivated by what’s best for your loved one. I know you’ll sit by their side in the darkest, most painful moments and that you’ll tirelessly seek out the best medical interventions available. 

    You’ll do all of this according to the capacity you have. 

    But I also know that between you and your loved one, only one of you has been diagnosed with cancer. Only one of you is reckoning with the way their body is being taken over and how they now face a truth that lies way past the mortgage and the vacation tickets. Your loved one is working on the level of eternity. 

    And if you want to help them, you must start by witnessing them. It’s the most important thing to let go of your own experience of playing the role of the spouse/sibling/parent/child and take all your attention and really see your loved one. Can you put yourself in their shoes and witness you witnessing them? When we can do this, we not only honor the experience of the person behind the cancer patient, but we also give ourselves the best chance of hearing that person and finding out what they really need. 

    Often what they need and what you feel you need are not the same at all. 

    And as the witness, we must allow the person to have as much agency and perceived control as possible. This alone allows them to let go of the pressure they may feel to waste precious attention on pleasing us. Above all, we must allow them to have their own experience without worrying about us. This is the only way the person behind the patient can find peace and even beauty in their journey. This peace leads to acceptance on the deepest level so they can maintain dignity and courage even as they face their own demise. 

    But at the same time, we must also honor our experience. The trick is finding that balance. Finding that space where you are showing up for yourself, identifying and acknowledging your struggles, and finding the support you need, while also showing up for your loved one with gentle presence, empathy, and compassion. 

    Most importantly, Family Member, you need to know that none of this is easy. 

    Not for you, not for your loved one, and not for anyone else in their world. It’s all very confusing and overwhelming. It takes a certain skillset to manage it all. This set of skills can be developed in a matter of weeks and only requires about 15 minutes a day. And if you learn these skills from a guy like me, it won’t feel like work at all. We’re talking about simple mental exercises that train you to develop the basic skills of emotional intelligence. And if you commit to it, you really can become quite skilled within only a few weeks. 

    But here’s the thing.   

    The same balance between you and your loved one applies here, too. As you do these practices, you feel a sense of calm and self regulation.  You’ll find the ability to give space to your loved one with empathy and compassion. This will make the whole experience much easier for you. However, these benefits pale in comparison to what your loved one gets from the work you do on yourself. 

    In summary, the best way to show compassion for your loved one is to show compassion for yourself. And I can show you how. 

    Art Burns is Director of Alicia’s Angels, a 501(c)3 charity that delivers mindfulness based interventions to cancer patients, their family members, and caregivers. For more information, please visit aliciasangels.com.